I need to put myself on a "ban" regarding this Castro story because it literally crushes my mood for like a few hours or a day or so.
It highlights facts, such as the fact my life is so easy and I have quite a bit to be guilty about, like actively fretting over the size of my ass. MY ASS IS TOO BIG. THIS IS ALSO TRUE OF MY THIGHS AND ARMS AND WAIST. HELP. I ATE TOO MANY CALORIES. I sit on a blog all fucking day worrying about my body weight, along with others.... I am worrying , and complaining, about the fact I am sitting in a chair in a temporate controlled environment eating plentifully of food while relaxing, SO MUCH SO that I have gained body fat beyond the superficial meaningless level that I would prefer. In other words, I would PREFER to be a size zero, but unfortunately, I'm more like a size 2 now, all flabby and not thin enough for my liking.
How fucking pathetic and oh yes should I ever feel guilty about that.
I've always done this thing where every so often I hear a new story or read something and I can't get over it. The story haunts me for weeks months or years, and I will occasionally reflect upon that story for no reason at all throughout my life with resultant sadness. Usually this involves stories of torture and silence, particularly involving children.
It's good that I've scared away the few readers I had accumulated, by being loud, abrasive, opinionated, rude, not just regarding obesity research, but regarding men and libertarians and christians and virtually everything in the world. The intense negative cynicism that I see the world through is not conducive to an audience. People want to sit there with their fat face moon eyes and gaping stares and hear psychopathic con men sell them pretty stories about how exciting the present and future is.
At dinner my brother excitedly told me about some free bad ass libertarian business start up, an alternative to the banking system where people with minor excess money can lend it to various credit risks in 25 dollar chunk blocks, rather like storing data on a hard disk or something... he was soooo excited about this thing, utterly ignorant of the fact it's likely an insider trading scam, a false bullshit business made of hot air, just like all these "libertarian" ideas of "social alternative" businesses. THE BANKS HAVE A LOT OF CORPORATE BLOAT AND RED TAPE, BUT US HERE AT EMPOWERING PEOPLE BANKING SYSTEM SKIM ALL THAT FAT TO PROVIDE YOU LOWER INTEREST RATES!!!1111
I tried to explain to him that his hopefulness was naive and he is probably going to lose money sooner or later, but he merely became loud and angry as he tends to be. So I merely went silent and nodded quietly and responded "perhaps it is a valid exciting new business model which is an alternative to the banking system. History seems to suggest otherwise, and the majority of such ideas end up in a big fat loss with the people at the top of the organization fleeing the country with all the money. Just saying."
The thing is, this is how normal people think. That's why they are so prone to victimization. They see the world as large and exciting and new. They don't have microscope eyes that glue on to the small, the insignificant, the tragic and hopeless. I suspect this difference is what makes me perhaps more prone to depression. I seem to just view the world differently; I am more sensitive to negative things, like children being adorned with dog collars and punched in the stomach until they abort , and starved for weeks so they look like an unrecognizable weed relative to their former self. This burns a hole in my brain and haunts me and causes physical changes in my vital signs.
Or the fact, one of the girls, doesn't even want to go home to her family, probably because they were so abusive she was willing to get in a car with a 40 year old unknown man. It seems clear Knight's family abused her. DeJesus' family is willing to adopt her. At 32 years old, this person needs parents and adoption, because she spent her life in chains in a basement being starved beat and raped, with a baseline mental handicap as well.
Often I will try to train myself to think more like "normal" people who are always looking up instead of down, but it is always so hollow, not at all me.
My SSRI consuming sister is so placid. She's become such a nice person on this medication. Perhaps the real problem is everyone should take inhibitory numbing medications; whether the issue is life is simply too cruel, or some people like myself are at baseline too reactive to pain and suffering in others and in my environment, either way, SSRI in the water is not such a bad idea.
I've begun drinking exclusively filtered water and have done so the past 2 or 3 weeks. I can no longer tolerate the taste of tap water, which is something like dirty contaminated puddles in comparison. Perhaps this was an unwise decision; the majority of chemicals in the water help to stabilize and inhibit thought and feeling, so I can only assume I should continue drinking the public water system poison for theraputic benefit. I actually feel worse drinking filtered water, it seems.
Either way, I wish there was a way to "erase" memories, which is embarrassing and selfish to say as nothing terrible has happened to me. I merely have such moon in pisces disability disorder where vicariously perceived stories of abuse run me down to the point where it's hard to function. I've had this problem my whole life.
I'm actually not sensitive or squeamish. The other day at work, a patient sliced her leg open, right in half, as if a saw blade chopped it down as if it were a tree (she has severe leg edema). When I was summoned to the room by the staff nurse, the blood was shocking as was being able to see inside her leg, but I told the staff to elevate her leg, get me gauze cling and ace wraps, and I rapidly applied pressure to it. It didn't phase me at all; I mean, it was icky and unpleasant for sure, but I didn't get the "soul leaving my body soggy rag" feeling when I merely READ these abuse stories / watch them on the internet. As soon as she was going to the ER I felt totals better, not at all down but perhaps a bit jumpy.
I think too much, and I feel almost as much. I bury inward as a default function; I reduce things and make them smaller, and more intense. I'm very aloof and isolated, but very merged and intertwined connected to everything, which is really a specifically pisces moon kind of disorder.
I envy the naturally manic and expansive who never rest and settle.
Plus of course, you know, eating 100 carbs is just a bad idea. Thank you low carb jesus for showing me the way of ketones, without which I would be a total fucking wreck, and days like this remind me of that, because I haven't felt this off kilter in months.
It highlights facts, such as the fact my life is so easy and I have quite a bit to be guilty about, like actively fretting over the size of my ass. MY ASS IS TOO BIG. THIS IS ALSO TRUE OF MY THIGHS AND ARMS AND WAIST. HELP. I ATE TOO MANY CALORIES. I sit on a blog all fucking day worrying about my body weight, along with others.... I am worrying , and complaining, about the fact I am sitting in a chair in a temporate controlled environment eating plentifully of food while relaxing, SO MUCH SO that I have gained body fat beyond the superficial meaningless level that I would prefer. In other words, I would PREFER to be a size zero, but unfortunately, I'm more like a size 2 now, all flabby and not thin enough for my liking.
How fucking pathetic and oh yes should I ever feel guilty about that.
I've always done this thing where every so often I hear a new story or read something and I can't get over it. The story haunts me for weeks months or years, and I will occasionally reflect upon that story for no reason at all throughout my life with resultant sadness. Usually this involves stories of torture and silence, particularly involving children.
It's good that I've scared away the few readers I had accumulated, by being loud, abrasive, opinionated, rude, not just regarding obesity research, but regarding men and libertarians and christians and virtually everything in the world. The intense negative cynicism that I see the world through is not conducive to an audience. People want to sit there with their fat face moon eyes and gaping stares and hear psychopathic con men sell them pretty stories about how exciting the present and future is.
At dinner my brother excitedly told me about some free bad ass libertarian business start up, an alternative to the banking system where people with minor excess money can lend it to various credit risks in 25 dollar chunk blocks, rather like storing data on a hard disk or something... he was soooo excited about this thing, utterly ignorant of the fact it's likely an insider trading scam, a false bullshit business made of hot air, just like all these "libertarian" ideas of "social alternative" businesses. THE BANKS HAVE A LOT OF CORPORATE BLOAT AND RED TAPE, BUT US HERE AT EMPOWERING PEOPLE BANKING SYSTEM SKIM ALL THAT FAT TO PROVIDE YOU LOWER INTEREST RATES!!!1111
I tried to explain to him that his hopefulness was naive and he is probably going to lose money sooner or later, but he merely became loud and angry as he tends to be. So I merely went silent and nodded quietly and responded "perhaps it is a valid exciting new business model which is an alternative to the banking system. History seems to suggest otherwise, and the majority of such ideas end up in a big fat loss with the people at the top of the organization fleeing the country with all the money. Just saying."
The thing is, this is how normal people think. That's why they are so prone to victimization. They see the world as large and exciting and new. They don't have microscope eyes that glue on to the small, the insignificant, the tragic and hopeless. I suspect this difference is what makes me perhaps more prone to depression. I seem to just view the world differently; I am more sensitive to negative things, like children being adorned with dog collars and punched in the stomach until they abort , and starved for weeks so they look like an unrecognizable weed relative to their former self. This burns a hole in my brain and haunts me and causes physical changes in my vital signs.
Or the fact, one of the girls, doesn't even want to go home to her family, probably because they were so abusive she was willing to get in a car with a 40 year old unknown man. It seems clear Knight's family abused her. DeJesus' family is willing to adopt her. At 32 years old, this person needs parents and adoption, because she spent her life in chains in a basement being starved beat and raped, with a baseline mental handicap as well.
Often I will try to train myself to think more like "normal" people who are always looking up instead of down, but it is always so hollow, not at all me.
My SSRI consuming sister is so placid. She's become such a nice person on this medication. Perhaps the real problem is everyone should take inhibitory numbing medications; whether the issue is life is simply too cruel, or some people like myself are at baseline too reactive to pain and suffering in others and in my environment, either way, SSRI in the water is not such a bad idea.
I've begun drinking exclusively filtered water and have done so the past 2 or 3 weeks. I can no longer tolerate the taste of tap water, which is something like dirty contaminated puddles in comparison. Perhaps this was an unwise decision; the majority of chemicals in the water help to stabilize and inhibit thought and feeling, so I can only assume I should continue drinking the public water system poison for theraputic benefit. I actually feel worse drinking filtered water, it seems.
Either way, I wish there was a way to "erase" memories, which is embarrassing and selfish to say as nothing terrible has happened to me. I merely have such moon in pisces disability disorder where vicariously perceived stories of abuse run me down to the point where it's hard to function. I've had this problem my whole life.
I'm actually not sensitive or squeamish. The other day at work, a patient sliced her leg open, right in half, as if a saw blade chopped it down as if it were a tree (she has severe leg edema). When I was summoned to the room by the staff nurse, the blood was shocking as was being able to see inside her leg, but I told the staff to elevate her leg, get me gauze cling and ace wraps, and I rapidly applied pressure to it. It didn't phase me at all; I mean, it was icky and unpleasant for sure, but I didn't get the "soul leaving my body soggy rag" feeling when I merely READ these abuse stories / watch them on the internet. As soon as she was going to the ER I felt totals better, not at all down but perhaps a bit jumpy.
I think too much, and I feel almost as much. I bury inward as a default function; I reduce things and make them smaller, and more intense. I'm very aloof and isolated, but very merged and intertwined connected to everything, which is really a specifically pisces moon kind of disorder.
I envy the naturally manic and expansive who never rest and settle.
Plus of course, you know, eating 100 carbs is just a bad idea. Thank you low carb jesus for showing me the way of ketones, without which I would be a total fucking wreck, and days like this remind me of that, because I haven't felt this off kilter in months.
12 Comments - Show Original Post Collapse comments
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Galina L. said... - Very often some symptoms of low thyroid are missing. My GP didn't want to test my TSH initially because I never had a constipation and my hair and eyebrows were OK, only nails were (and still are) weak and my skin was on a dry side. I remember I used to want to go to a sleep at 9 pm and was really cold sensitive. The dose of the Synthroid which put my TSH at the right number didn't affect the desire to sleep too much and a cold sensitivity, only Armour thyroid changed it. I was diagnosed for Hashimodo hipo-thyroid by the antybodies test and an ultra-sound examination which confirmed my thyroid gland got partially destroyed.
Gabriella Kadar said...- Galina, I know other people taking Armour as opposed to Sythroid and they feel much better on it. But around here it's harder to convince M.D.s to prescribe it. My G.P. flat out refused. The specialist is considering it once I get the next set of blood tests done soon.
- Anon said...
- Gabriella, there are multiple offshore sites that will mail it to you w/o a script.
zanjabil said...- Slow and foggy even on a good day, with exacerbation in winter and stress = possibly pathological** That would be me. I've tested normal levels. I've experimented with T3, it helped for a good while with my temps and cold tolerance. Didn't help with the lethargy and depression. I can't function long term on LC, I can't lose weight unless I ditch the carbs, but my body treats LC as severe stress. I get colder, slower, depressed-er, insomnia, anxiety. It is either my mental health or my physical. I can't get the balance! So you think it is estrogen woo? Not progesterone? What about estrogen dominance? Aren't most fat women estrogen dominant. I'm thinking it has to be something hormonal with me. I don't have blood sugar issues or anything else that Dr routinely test. Only issue was low vitamin D, which I supplement.
- Galina L. said...
- Gabriella, I found out that somehow the thyroid issues require the most amount of an arm-twisting from a patient toward GP. I am under an impression that minds of docs got poisoned by big pharm companies , Armour thyroid is made by some non prominent small company. Even my GP who is super-cooperative and open-minded most of the time demonstrated an unusual resistance when I started to ask about Armour thyroid. He gave up only after a while.
- Gabriella Kadar said...
- Galina, at least the hotshot endocrinologist was the person who introduced the topic of taking T3/T4 (Armour) and not me. I'm assuming optimistically that no arm-twisting will be required. The pain in the butt part of this all is she insists I get the blood taken at the hospital and not at the lab down the street from where I live. She is also testing cortisol which means I've got to get downtown early in the a.m. Much more stressful than just cruising over to the local lab. That'll be for Friday coming up. I'm hoping traffic is light since it's a long week-end holiday Monday.
ItsTheWooo said...- @Galina of course yes, all patients won't have every symptom of a given condition... so LACK of hair loss on eyebrows does not disprove hypothyroidism, for example. However, if the patient is also expressing these other signs (e.g. being super wired, particularly after stimulants, exercising lots, activity driven, writing books, going to GYM and DIETING) I would heavily lean toward functional hypothyroidism. In real clinical thyroid, the energy is simply NOT THERE to waste on these superfluous activities. In real clinical thyroid you can't just drink a redbull and get second wind (as the dopamine/NE, and the FA + glucose, and the SNS increased fat oxidation, temporarily mimic a fed high body fat rested leptin replete state). For example Galina you were sleeping a lot, pretty specific for hypothyroidism... on the other hand women who have eating disorder/stress issues more likely to have insomnia. I also doubt you were hyper wired over exercising while untreated for thyroid. T4 (synthroid) affects TSH to normalize it, but T4 might not adequately increase free T3 so you still remain symptomatic. This might be particularly true if you have an underlying stress state and the body is unwilling to utilize T4 for T3, so it's like pathological hypothyroid superimposed over euthyroid sick syndrome. @Zanjabil - I responded to you in the other thread but to be brief, estrogen dominance is an altie quack scam, and most women can directly relate how well or great or terrible they feel to the lack of estrogen or high of progesterone or both. All women hate menopause and all women hate the luteal phase for a good reason - estrogen signalling is blocked or insufficient. There is this whole underground of women who need estrogen replacement being denied treatment because of overblown fear of clots. I've read so many patient stories of women who are almost disabled from memory impairment and apathy and depression and fatigue only to magically feel great and have a sharp mind when they take estrogen. Progesterone usually causes terrible symptoms like depression and fatigue and acne and obesity/weight gain/diabetes. Women who have had hysterectomies for example, but all of the complaints of normal female aging as well. Without going into a huge personal history the symptoms you have are very vague/generalized. Thyroid is one idea, by no means definitive. If you are experiencing these symptoms when you go LC, you do not have pathological hypothyroidism and odds are you are simply not eating enough calories and losing body fat too quickly. Here's a test: eat like 3000 calories and report back how you feel. I doubt it will be cold or sluggish. They really are totally normal symptoms of effective body fat loss, though. You don't have any endocrine disorder most likely except trying to lose body fat quickly. If I eat so as to lose body fat, I expect 100% to be freezing cold and feel terrible after awhile.
- Galina L. said...
- I wonder, could I have both? I had 5 years years of too much stress before my diagnosis of under-active thyroid, and I started exercising regularly one year prior to it because it was beneficial for a newly diagnosed asthma.
- ItsTheWooo said...
- Galina - I would suspect you very much have both issues. You have a background of dieting and stress and exercising and restricted eating. You are very likely to have a dab of euthyroid sick syndrome as well as pathological hypothyroidism.
Sidereal said...- You are right, Woo. Diuresis is a big sign of functional inhibition.
- Gabriella Kadar said...
- Sidereal, what is this about diuresis? Can you elaborate please?
lifextension said...- Fascinating!
